Annoyance

It's really annoying when things aren't even up for discussion. It suddenly becomes "this is how it is and nothing you say changes that" and that rightly so pisses me off. It isn't even that I want a different outcome necessarily but the sheer fact that my thoughts and opinions are immediately rejected without even being heard? That's what pisses me off. I have thoughts. I have opinions. I have intelligent well researched foundations. But apparently that means nothing because you've already closed your ears up to anything I have to say.

Hrm...

I think someone jinxed me... >.>

Cryptic Confusion

There are several reasons. There are several factors. I need to make a decision. Wait? Ignore? Don't wait? Don't know... Just venting... Sorry so cryptic. Can't be less so...

Don't know why I bother

I've made breakfast the last 2 days. Yesterday I made egg, turkey, and tomato burritos, yogurt, and sliced apple. My son stole my yogurt and my boyfriend ate all but 1 half of a slice of apple and said he was full. Today I made blueberry pancakes, eggs, gave my son and boyfriend grapes, and again, yogurt. My son ate the yogurt and 1 grape. My boyfriend ate the eggs and the grapes and said the pancakes "aren't very nice" and didn't touch the yogurt.

So yesterday went well for breakfast. Today not so much.

I came home on my lunch break yesterday and made tuna sandwiches and I don't know if he even ate all of the one I gave him but I do know shortly thereafter he went out and bought burger king food.

I don't know why I bothered making breakfast after lunch yesterday and I don't know what the point is. I'm just frustrated. Screw it. No more coming home for lunch break. No more making breakfast. No more.

Fuck food...

What to do

It's so hard to figure out what to do. I don't know anymore. It's decision after decision of crap on top of more crap. I don't feel more our less energy when I do or don't eat. I don't feel better or worse when I drink water or don't. I don't feel better or worse when I take a vitamin or don't. I feel bad for eating in general. I don't like to eat. If I can avoid eating I do.

So why are decisions about food not plain and clear and outlined? This is ok. This is not ok. This is ok occasionally. This is never ever ever even to be looked at. Clear guide. Doesn't exist.

I always feel kind of proud of myself when I walk past things in the store and don't even look at them. Like the ice cream aisle. The bakery. The candy aisle. I feel good not looking at them knowing I have the power to walk past and not give them the time of day they would just love to get. It's a bit odd the way I shop. Son's food. My food. Almost always separate. I don't want to deprive him of calories just because i'm depriving myself of them. It's a bit crazy sounding though...

Anyway, back to work. I didn't eat on my lunch break. Yay me!

Brilliant boyfriend logic

"I don't want it to happen"

Great. That didn't answer my question of which option he would prefer, me talking about it or me not talking about it. Apparently he thinks that is my decision but he just wants me to not not eat. Nice double negative there, I know.

He seems to think that I can just eat normally. I can't. That's why after he fell asleep I ate 3 pieces of pizza. He wasn't watching. I was hungry. I scarfed down nearly half a pizza in 20 minutes. Then wanted to puke it back up. Felt like I just wasted 32 hours of not eating because I literally ate 1500 calories right there like a fucking pig.

Oh, so what did I turn around and do today? Ate a cheese Danish and a brownie. Fabulous. Fuck this.

I'm not talking to him about food at all anymore. What I do or don't eat is my business. That is my official statement. I cant handle all the stress of "do I say something? Do I not? Is it wrong not to?" So if he doesn't ask he doesn't hear. It isn't lying. It's just not talking about it. That's what I see.

According to an app I downloaded my job alone makes me "moderately active" and my rmr (not bmr) is 1507 (ugh) so without even getting out of bed I burned off that pizza I guess? So i'm ok? I don't know... I'm sick of being fat. That's all I know.

No willpower

5 slices of medium pizza... Nearly... I feed part of it to boyfriend. I had a slice except part of the crust. Then pulled out 2. Ate most of 1 and destroyed the other breaking it up into tiny bits. Then I was ok. But I felt hungry. I told myself normal people don't eat more than 2 slices. Then I told myself normal people don't stave themselves all day either. But i'm not normal. And I started watching a movie and next thing I knew i'm eating more pizza. 3 slices and the urge to purge but inability to put into action in place and here I am, a fat fucking cow.

Funny, I looked in the mirror naked and I can see the defined hourglass waist clearly but at the same time all I see around it is fat. I hate my mirrors. I wonder if my boyfriend's figured out where the scale is yet or if he even cares. I don't think he let's the truth of what I do sink in unless I tell him so he's probably blissfully ignorant.

Food... Or lack there of...

I have had 2 cups of coffee in the last 30 hours and my boyfriend ordered pizza. Only half blessing half curse, one I'm allergic to (he forgot) and the other I dislike one of the two toppings. So he probably won't throw a fit if I pick at like 1 piece and barely eat it.

He asked me what I like pin pizza and I said veggies so he got a chicken and mushroom (I'm allergic to all forms of mold and fungus) and a pepperoni and ham (I dislike pork in general but on occasion make an exception for pepperoni but very rarely if every do I ingest ham) so that makes for an awesome combination of pizzas...

The secret world of Jenni and ana

This is the title of my book for campnanorwimo

I'm wondering if i'm taking on to much of a time span because i'm tracking her from 6th to 10th grade. That's nearly 5 full school years but she doesn't write every day or anything and it is supposed to track her descent into the eating disorder. I'm also having issues with trying to make her sound like an intelligent and ambitious  6th grader but not too old because her language skills have to increase over the years.

Basically in the beginning they start 6th grade, Jenni and her best friend Sarah start cutting out sweets and start jogging and stuff. Sarah loses weight faster than Jenni and she gets frustrated, then Jenni's crush asks Sarah to the end of the year dance and Jenni refuses to talk to her and be her friend. Jenni gains a bit over the summer and then goes a bit wonky in 7th grade.

First she tries losing it the same way she did before which works but not fast enough so she asks on a forum and meets a girl named Toni who goes by skeletoni. Toni tells her to become a vegan so she does. She didn't meet her until spring. Then Sarah approaches her and tries to be friends and while Jenni long ago realized that it was petty to end their friendship over a guy (who Sarah is still dating) she wonders if they haven't grown too far apart. Jenni decides in June to try and repair her lost friendship with Sarah and come 8th grade they are best friends again.

Jenni virtually forgets about Toni, then the holidays come and she contacts Toni who tells her she's gaining because of carbs. Sarah breaks up with Bryan and sets her sights on Jenni's new crush at second semester, Peter. Sarah never dates Peter but Jenni notices he barely gives her a second glance but pays close attention to Sarah. And Jenni notices that Sarah has lost some more weight and she has not lost much.

She complains to Toni who doesn't reply for months then tells her sorry, she was in treatment till insurance ran out. She tells Jenni she's ready and introduces her to the world of pro-ana which Jenni initially rejects but after a bit gets sucked into it. She spends the summer in Italy at her grandparents and manages not to gain anything then starts 9th grade.

A girl on the pro-ana site calls her "wannarexic" and she gets upset and starts skipping meals and drops weight. A boy asks her to hang out and she starts dating him. Her parents don't notice or check up on her because they are busy with work and her siblings and etc. and she passes out on the last day of school after a week long juice fast.

She is admitted to a treatment program and gains some weight but mostly tricks them into letting her graduate to outpatient on her 15th birthday. She follows the rules at home til 10th grade starts then the story ends with her missing the bus deliberately, running to school, purging breakfast at a gas station, throwing her lunch away at the gas station too, and saying how she feels best empty and perfect and weightless and running.

so is that too much for 1 book?

Also, please don't steal my story just cause I posted it here. I really want to be a published author and I'm going to try to publish this.

He doesn't get it

My boyfriend doesn't understand in the slightest how easy it is to upset me with a word, a look, a sentence. And he belittles how I feel. Like i'm not allowed to be upset over something that he thinks is nothing. Just because it's nothing to him doesn't mean it affects me the same. Just because it's nothing to him, in his mind means it's nothing to me as well. That isn't true at all.

If anything him belittling how I feel and what I think makes me feel worse about the entire thing altogether but again, try explaining that and all it becomes is "we're not talking, we're arguing" and "you must like arguing" and ultimately "piss off" all from him. Try combating that...

He says I never have anything interesting to say. Well he never has anything with any depth to say. It's always conversations about "i'm parroting Richard Dawkins" or "oh, check out this funny picture" or "hey look, a new electronic device that costs as much as your rent" or something. He says something that upsets me and I just try to ignore it or I do what I have to do to deal with it so I don't have to being it up and he just thinks i'm "cross with him" and makes me say it anyway which then he says "well that's a stupid reason" or something equally crap which is precisely what happened 2 days ago.

Well i'm pretty sure it's going to happen again today because he was kind of a jerk at half time. We went to see a show, a musical play of footloose. With my 2.5 year old. And at half time he asked for ear plugs because maybe with them he could ignore my son. And then for the amount of time that my son lasted through the second half my boyfriend was giving me dirty looks and about the time I was going to leave anyway he told me to. But apparently he felt the need to tell me which just made things a million times more awesome. So that lovely combination of events and now i'm pretty sure my boyfriend is going to be upset because Alex embarrassed him in front of a bunch of strangers gee's probably never going to see again and even if he does they won't remember him and he won't remember them but that's precisely the reason he was so upset after going to see Harry Potter last summer.

So what does any of this have to do with food? Well for one thing, being upset makes me not want to eat at all. For two, being upset with my boyfriend makes me not give a shit what he thinks about what I do. Or in this case, don't do. Or might do.

Cryptic? I'll explain. Upset? Don't care what boyfriend thinks? Might purge what I've eaten today. Which consists of some popcorn and half a candy bar and some starburst and some diet 7up. Upset? Don't care what my boyfriend thinks? Might just starve myself the rest of the day for several reasons. Upset with boyfriend. Upset with son. Upset with myself. Simple. Maybe. Not really though, so no. But maybe.

Edit-apparently he isn't mad because I left when he said to leave.

...

It's really easy to get caught up in things like "wow, this is really awesome" till the shit hits the fan and you actually figure out how crap things can really be. It sucks being sucked down in the world of eating issues to the extent that you just want everyone to go away and leave you alone so you can do what you want without the looks and the bullshit and arguing and feeling bad. I always feel bad lately and I just hate it. I hate that I feel bad all the time. I hate that I feel obligated to do things for the sole reason that someone else wants me to do it so I really ought to do it. It fucking sucks.

Life would be so much better if I were just skinny and beautiful and lovely and happy and not so gross and ugly and fat and unhappy. But nobody will let me just be that without a fight and I hate fighting. But i'm stronger than that and I can beat the system. I just have to lock into the rules and solidify it to make it work. Easy enough. Rules and plans and I will be lovely.

So now I just need to put my head back together and come up with the outline of how things are going to be from here on. Apparently in order to keep your metabolism up you are supposed to eat every 3-4 hours but if you do that you would have to eat quite small amounts to keep a certain calorie intake. If you sleep 8 hours you are awake about 16 and you're supposed to eat within an hour of waking up so that is 5-6 a day. As long as you can keep those under 333 calories you're good if you have a 2000 calorie diet. If you have a 1200 it's 200 per.

But if you want to lose weight you have to do something about it or just not do anything and be a disgusting fat ass. Well if I want to keep my boyfriend satisfied I just have to keep my thoughts to myself and eat decent seeming in front of him and stop turning away things he offers. I don't care what they think at work anymore. Fuck them. I'll avoid the break room. I'll go to my car at lunch. I don't have to eat on my lunch breaks or my work breaks.

So my new current rules
-I will not eat at work ever
-I will only drink coffee with sugar free sweeteners and no milk
-No candy
-I will move as much as possible
-All food I eat is in front of my boyfriend
-All food I eat is made by me
-Whenever possible I will dish my own food up so I know how much is on my plate

There are more but for later on maybe.

Ugh for food....

Boyfriend made me try a "jaffa cake" this morning. Ate like half of one of those. Had tall iced coffee, bag of salad with balsamic vinaigrette and a hot dog.

So far today that makes for 225 (ish) before dinner :-)

But what is dinner's torture to be? And i'm off work the next 2 days.

Food for today

2/3-3/4 of a Venti mocha cookie crumble frap. Diet coke. 2 biscuits, gravy, hash browns, an egg, some veggies, and 2? Chicken nuggets. Boyfriend has arrived. Let the fun begin?

Camp nanowrimo and my "babies"

I'm writing 2 stories for camp nanowrimo this year. June is about my "baby" Jenni who develops anorexia and is basically going to be her pre-disorder into full blown disorder diary. And my August "baby" is David, a swimmer who passes out in cold water.

My characters are my "babies" :-)

Sometimes

well, see, sometimes I..  well... just want to die....

Things that shouldn't be normal become normal like no sleep, headaches, dizzy spells, worrying that when you stand up you might pass out, constantly worrying on the little shit and constantly feeling like shit. And on the topic of shit, needing to take a shit and it just won't happen but feeling like getting a laxative or anything is completely out if the question because that's like a purge. And I promised no purge.

Weight is a happy thought tonight

198.8 <3

I'm still an obese fat fracking cow but I'm going down again. Good good good. As long as I can keep it going the right way. :-)

Why...

Why oh why I avoid the food posts? Oh, cause I eat shit? Maybe maybe delicately balanced disaster? Ah.. Down the sweet road of 60 calorie yogurts, 300 or less frozen dinners, 88¢ for 60 cal salad bag. 20 for dressing. Water water coffee tea diet coke water 5, 10, 120, careful careful play the numbers. Walked 4 miles last night just to do it. Ate m&m's tho. I had 2 cups coffee sugar free sweetener, no milk. Spaghetti for 280 yogurt for 60, m&m's max 360 but shared with my son so about 700 calories. Can't sleep tho. I don't know. I need to sleep at least a little. I'm such a fucking wreck if I don't at least nap a bit. haven't been sleeping. Haven't really been eating. Except Denny's. If I go there. Pretty fucked in my brain right now but I think I just get like this when i'm not really eating. I don't want to eat. I thought about fasting today but then that other girl was in the lunch room. 2 of them now. She gives nee weird looks when I measure my salad dressing. She comments about frozen meals and to much sodium. Gee, if it contains 25% if the daily value i'm slowed and it's all i'm fucking eating it's probably ok. in fact it's probably good. But now there are 2 of then I have to watch out for trigger happy. Really need to try to sleep tho. It's the caffeine really. I think. Maybe.

the past...

I recorded some videos about my past. 4... I uploaded them to YouTube in the usual unlisted fashion...

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

So.... Shrug... There's my shitty past summed up in about 45 minutes..

I hate...

I hate fucking hypocritical holier than thou know it all pretentious attitudes. I hate when people are like fucking "do as I say, not as I do" like you're such following rules that they are somehow fucking exempt to. I hate how i'm up still at 7am when I work later today because i'm upset. I meant to go to sleep 2 hours ago...

The fact is...

I lack the discipline required to actually get things done right. I'll talk about it and I'll plan to do things but I'll probably never really do anything that will amount to something.

I'm a failure, consistently and constantly and it's just how things are now. I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not enough. Never enough for me or anyone else and it sucks. But things are what they are and I guess that's not really the point.

I mean, what are you supposed to do if you don't like something? Deal with it or change it. So I have to do that. I have to be better. And I just have to remember....

Good, Better, Best, never let it rest, until the good is better and the better is the best.

If I keep that in my mind I feel like I can do anything. Clean up the living room. Push myself to finish jogging that second mile. Reign in the desire to buy that candy. All iI have to do is tell myself I don't get to rest until it is the best. Which works for about half of me.

Sometimes I really wonder if people are all like this or if there really is something to this whole astrology thing. I feel like i'm constantly fighting with myself. Like i'm at war with my own self. Like there are 2 distinct personalities and opinions inside me that are constantly butting heads and at war with each other. I've always just chalked it up to that my star sign is Gemini, the twins. But a rational part of me thinks that's completely absurd.

Oh well. I'm avoiding again. I don't care.

Picture :-)

I seriously edited it. I made my nose smaller and my lips a little fuller and my cheeks less chubby and it's an old picture anyway, 07 I think? then I made it look old. But I look kinda pretty I guess.

Just because you don't understand

Doesn't mean you have to treat something like it's wrong or bad or stupid. It isn't. It just is what it is.

Accept it.
Deal with it.
Move on.

Avoidance

Again I'm avoiding this. I had teriyaki yesterday.

And last night I had half a serving of pasta with some ground from the thing peanut butter, not jar, and pesto, and some frozen veggies.

Today.... I've had a few handfuls of life cereal and a piece of bread and a packet 2oz lunchmeat and some juice.

Tuesday I had... 2 hot dogs, popcorn and coke zero, ice cream, and an omelette with a bunch of different meats and hash browns.

Food

Subway last night

coffee

Deli chicken strip meal and cake for lunch.

Food

Denny's last night, no, not all you can eat grands slam, but had blueberry pancakes and eggs, bacon, hash browns, shared an apple desert with my son.

Today had a Jr roast beef sandwich from arby's, iced coffee.

Salad and yogurt.

Water is great...

Unless you drink 2 liters during your work shift and have no way to go to the bathroom except to call inside and advertise to your manager/break cover person that you need someone out ASAP!!!

Sigh... But supposedly it's good for me? What is the benefit when my increased output.... I'm peeing out more equal to all my increased input.

Food, food, and.... Food

Iced coffee, sugar free cinnamon dolce, small bit of half and half.

1 liter water

Michelina's beef and peppers, said with balsamic vinaigrette, peach yogurt.

I hate watching food network on lunch. I make comments to my coworkers that what they are making looks like a heart attack waiting to happen and i really can't agree when they say "yea, a yummy heart attack"

Food

Last night (Wednesday) I had my leftovers from the other day.

Today (Thursday) I had coffee, bagel, part of a brownie, spaghetti, garlic bread, diet Cola, baked sweet potato, half a small cheeseburger.. I might be forgetting something...

And a NEW "VLOG" (since I know you all loved the last long boring video rants I did, promise, no "skin" this time)

7 sick and twisted reasons I love work

1. If I don't eat before work I can't eat till my first break.

2. If I go to the bathroom upstairs in the locker room on all my 10 minute breaks I have to walk up and down the stairs and I don't have time for anything else.

3. I have to walk up stairs and downstairs again every day I work at least twice. Usually 5x though.

4. I walk around a lot at work. It's expected of me to.

5. If I have an hour lunch and i've forgotten my lunch I can spend the first half hour looking at nutrition labels and still have 30 minutes to eat.

6. I only work around junk food. It isn't as appealing to me as other food.

7. If I don't go outside, I can berate myself after lunch if I ate too much without anyone hearing me.

Today

Michelina's cheese manicotti, cherry yogurt, bag of salad.

Forgot my leftovers from yesterday :-(

Is it really so wrong?

I don't want to be emaciated. I don't care about seeing my bones. With one exception. I would like to be able to see my collar bone. I don't wasn't to be able to see my ribs, spine, hip bones, etc. I don't want to be underweight. I have a healthy bmi as my goal. So it isn't wrong.

I honestly feel

Physically sick right now. I ate at a place called Athens pizza and pasta house and the food was delicious but there was super much of it and I couldn't handle it so about half of it came home with me. Then tonight I caved and went to Denny's for another all you can eat grand slam. Great brilliant me ate 3 plates minus some bacon and then a pancake puppy sundae shared. And oh dear does my stomach feel like it's going to explode. And it isn't that I felt bad eating it. But now that I'm thinking about the implications of precisely how much I ate today I'm starting to feel absolutely awful about the way today went. Part of me wants to ease my stomach the easy way. Most of me knows I shouldn't do that. I think for tonight most if me will win but come tomorrow it might be about time for some rules to come into play. Mainly NO MORE ALL YOU CAN EAT GRAND SLAM!!! I don't care if it IS only $4.99....

"Vlog" videos...

So I uploaded the videos to YouTube. They are unlisted so only people who have the links can see them. I can warn you, they aren't pretty. They aren't positive. They aren't lovely. And in 2 of the 3 I'm not very covered up.

I'm not sure why I recorded them I'm the first place. Probably more for me than anything else. But I'm posting them. I've been through cycles of probably every aspect of disordered eating you could shove into the last 15 or so years. I didn't have the ideal childhood by any means and I think I just hate who I am and that even if I lose weight I'll still dislike myself. But I still want to lose weight. I don't want to become stick thin boney emaciated but I do have a goal.

My goal is to be a healthy 19.5-22 bmi with a weight between 118.5-105 lbs. Under 18.5 bmi is underweight and this is a full point above that. Also it's a range of over 10 lbs which allows for natural weight fluctuation without having to get upset over it. I think it's reasonable.

In the first video I am in my underwear for part of the video and it's not pretty. And you can kind of see that it's um... Cold in my bathroom that day.... O.o

So this video was recorded on may 1st after I got home from work. I've never recorded a video like this so they are all kind of long.
May 1st
This video was recorded on may 3rd and you get a nice naked belly shot again. Gross..
May 3rd
And this video I recorded last night. No serious pointing out gross fat in this one. You do get to see my undies again and I prove at the end that I have no idea what the date is... Lol
May 7/8th

And please don't take those links and post them all over. They are unlisted for a reason....

Today I've had...

At this point all I've had is 3 or so "bunny corn" (Easter candy corn) and some pieces of cereal, then around 6:30 I realized I hadn't eaten in nearly 24 hours and I think around 8 I got a yogurt with granola, and wound up eating half of Alex's yogurt too.

I had a conversation about this blog in which I admited that I feel like i'm obligated to continue writing here even though I hate it because if I stop i'm basically failing. If I stop posting here I have failed to stick it out until it has achieved whatever "helpful" purpose it was supposed to serve. And that reasoning was called "bullshit" which was a nice slap in the face. So my intense feelings of fear surrounding failure are bullshit and just a choice? And also they said they won't be reading what I write here. Whatever implications that has had on how I feel haven't been fully realized.

I do feel a little better and a little worse at the same time today. I had one negative conversation and one positive one. Well, it's not as simply put as that but they kind of counterbalanced each other.

I don't actually feel hungry right now but part of me knows I need to eat something more tonight so I have some choices. If I stay home I will probably end up eating only some pasta with pesto (approx 250) maybe some frozen veggies (70 for a cup) putting me at max 750 for the day. If I go out I could easily get more calories than that but possibly, depending on from where, less healthy calories. But staying home I may or may not eat that. And going out provides more opportunity to binge and leave me with the unrequited urge to purge, or so full that I unintentionally purge the food.

Today, unequivocally I can say that so far my toddler has consumed above and beyond what I have. And that isn't good. I don't really like when it is so startlingly clear who has eaten more. So I don't know what I will do tonight. My son is asking for pasta right now but then he asked for a burger and then he asked for cereal.

I think we're going to go out. Probably.

Edit
W're at subway. WE Shared a foot long black forest ham on honey oat with pepper jack cheese, all the veggies except jalapenosand with mustard, oil, vinegar, and salt and pepper, Cheetos, I had some tea and my son had some milk.

Today so far

I got a McDonalds daily double no mayo add ketchup meal with a diet coke. I only ate about 1/4 if that of the fries, had the sandwich, drank like 2 drinks of the drink. had a Venti Starbucks iced coffee.

Lunch break consisted of a Michelina's chicken and broccoli rigatoni and a carbmaster raspberry yogurt and a bottle of water that I barely drank any of. In fact by the end of my shift I'd still only drank about half the bottle. And it was only 500mL

I don't know yet if I'm going to have dinner or not but judging by my debating it, I probably won't unless something seriously strikes me as "I want it" because I really just don't want anything right now. I don't feel hungry. I think I've eaten a fair chunk of food so far today. I don't really need anything more. So it's if I want something I'll have something maybe. I don't need something though so I probably won't. I'm repeating myself. I'm aware of that.

I've recorded video

Like a vlog. Twice. But I probably won't post it anywhere mostly because I know nobody wants to see that. But i'm not recording them for anyone else I don't think. Well, maybe I'll put them on YouTube on "unlisted" and link them here so I don't get a bunch of randoms commenting that i'm disgusting or something. I am. But I don't need a bunch if randoms telling me that. Maybe I'll do that. I'll think about that today. I'll make a decision by tonight whether or not to do that.

I haven't had anything yet to eat today. I just woke up for the second time this morning though. i'm feeling queasy actually. My throat is very thick feeling which sometimes makes me want to puke but I don't think I'd puke anything up I did. My dinner was 12 hours ago so I think it's probably long gone from my stomach.

::gross topic incoming::

I think I read somewhere a long time ago that it takes 3 days to digest your food but that can't be right. Sometimes I eat something like corn and it's in my poo the next day. You all know when you eat corn it's like you didn't even eat it cause it looks exactly the same in your poo as it did going in. And same with salads. Sometimes I'll eat salad and later on that night there will literally visibly be lettuce in my toilet. So 3 days? Yea right!

::now back to your regular blog::

I tried to get second opinions on my eating. One said it looked ok but they weren't a nutritionist or anything. The other said it looked like too little.

So i'm still sitting at 2 vs 2 which tells me nothing.
Myself and another person say it's ok.
The person who told me to log and another person say it is too little.
2 on each side...

anyway, if anyone has an opinion on the video thing let me know.

So the point of this blog was..

To log all my food, all my feelings, etc. to somehow prove to me that I don't eat enough. I think I eat plenty. That's why I was told to stop. Because according to the person who originally suggested I do this said that was the reason why and that since it wasn't working to stop. I haven't stopped. I don't think i'm eating too little. In fact I think I eat too much quite frequently.

Like tonight I had jack in the box's chipotle chicken sandwich thing. And i'm pretty sure that was more calories than I needed. And Denny's last night. And... And......

So when you said you give up I know you mean that. But when you say you don't care what I do I know you really do. But I also know it makes me feel like giving up. Like just sinking instead of trying to float. Like not even making any effort whatsoever to do anything you wanted. And I can't figure out which side I want to sit on now.

I hate this blog

I hate this blog. I hate me. I hate how I still post here. I hate this. I hate my relationship with food. I just wasn't to be fucking normal!

I ate at Denny's. 2 plates grand slam shared with my boy.

Today

I had a burrito and rice and beans and chocolate milk and cereal and Tamarind and some kind of non-milk with cinnamon

Today

No breakfast

Salad with balsamic dressing, 1 serving turkey pepperoni slices, lite carb yogurt, 6 smoky chipotle bbq doritos. Approximately 420 calories IF I used 4 Tbsp dressing (2 servings) but I think I used less than 1 serving even.

Dinner

Most of a box (3 servings >.<) of macaroni and cheese, but not sauce mixed with milk and butter but just mixed with some water I didn't drain off.

Lunch

Bag salad, lite balsamic vinaigrette dressing, low carb blackberry yogurt.

Approximately 250 calories

Hrm...

I hate hate hate hate HATE how I look and feel and i'm fat and disgusting and I hate it. Desperate times call for desperate measures?

I don't know.

I have had coffee. Splenda. Half and half. Only a little bit. Half a litter or so of water. I stepped on the scale this morning. 203.0 lbs. Fucking disgusting. Ugh...

Oh, and last night I had some m&m's too.

Oh well...

Last night I went to Denny's and ate nearly 3 plates of all you can eat grand slam...

Visiting

Went to my great aunt's. She made some chilli over potatoes. Had a bowl of that, a slice and a half of bread, and some ice cream.

Today

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Half a banana.

Dinner

Serving pasta with pesto and spicy seasoning. 8 starburst

Lunch break

0.20 lb pepper turkey breast over 2 bowls of salad with lite balsamic vinaigrette and a yogurt.

"Breakfast"

Tall Starbucks drip with Splenda and half and half (non, fat just doesn't do it...) And a couple handfuls of life cereal.

Dinner

Tomato soup, a slice of bread, and a yogurt

Still posting...

I know that I was told not to do it anymore. I'm still here.

Coffee, 2 pieces of life cereal, 1 cracker.

Salad, half turkey wrap, .09 lb turkey breast, lite balsamic vinaigrette, and crackers.

Why

Why should I bother eating at all anymore? I'm fat. I could survive off my fat for a while probably. I don't want to be fat. I don't like bring fat. But you said you give up on me. Now i'm a lost cause. Now you don't care what I do. so why should I bother? I'm so upset right now. I want to cry. I cried most of the night already. I think i'm all cried out. I'm stressed out. I'm not happy. I'm a lost cause because you gave up and don't care. So ok, you told me to stop logging my food here. You told me you don't care, you give up, I can do whatever I want now.

Do you even realize what you have done with those 2 little sentences...?

I genuinely don't understand

How is it that normal people control their portions and their intake and eat a normal amount of food that is somehow equaling 2000 calories and isn't, too much? This is infinitely confusing to me.

Dinner

Oatmeal with peanut butter and cinnamon, 5 mini cookies.

Tired of this

I'm tired if posting what i'm eating. I'm tired of "feeling sharing" and feeling like what i'm eating is inadequate. I'm tired of it.

But again...
Coffee, arby's $1 jr roast beef & about half the meat from a second one of those and about 4 curly fries.

Michelina's 5 cheese lasagne, yogurt, water.

Didn't want to eat lunch. Didn't eat last night. Don't even care anymore. Don't see the fucking point in recording my food down here. There is no fucking point. Anyone else see a point? Feel free to let me know cause i'm not fucking seeing any fucking point in posting this shit. Who the hell cares what I eat or don't eat? It doesn't even fucking matter. It's just bullshit. No fucking point.

Today

I had coffee, bagel

Lunch was a chicken sandwich and a baked potato from Wendy's.

I haven't eaten since I got home. I probably won't. I don't want to.

I admit...

I've been avoiding this blog.

Today I've had most of a banana, 1/4 a package of nature valley honey and oat granola bars, 2 mini cookies, a tall Starbucks coffee, a sausage and cheddar cheese package, a turkey sandwich, a yogurt, and a little thing of applesauce. Probably totaling around 800 calories.

Empty...

Empty stomach. Empty heart. I got very upset tonight after a conversation and did not want to eat. I feel physically ill. Very upset. I do not like arguing. I do not like feeling bad. I do not like upsetting other people. Other people should be always happy. I have no right to take away someone else's happiness. I feel very bad. So my tummy aches and I just want to punch it and tell it to shut up because if I eat I know it's all twisted up with upset it won't likely stay down. I'm fat anyway. It'll be ok. I can stand to let it chomp on some of my disgusting fat for the night...

I don't know why I do things. I don't know why everything ends up a mess. I don't know why I forget things. I don't know why i'm such a fuckup. I don't know why I don't just curl up and disappear most days.

Been away...

I don't remember what I ate Monday.

Yesterday I had a yogurt with granola , a sandwich and soup, and pizza and garlic bread for dinner totaling about 250 breakfast, 570 lunch, 830 dinner, 1650 approximate total.

Today I have had a Starbucks venti iced coffee, Chonga bagel with reduced fat cream cheese, Michelina's 5 cheese lasagna, pictsweet tuscan medley, lemon filled donut with coconut on top, and bottle water. So far that is my day.

I didn't post yesterday but

Here is my post right now. yesterday I was very busy with an event called a fuchsia saturday. this is something that they have at fred meyer where you go in and you buy pots or you bring pots from home and you buy plants and then you get in a big long line and they plant your plants for you in black gold potting soil. I wasn't working this event but I went in early to get some vegetables planted.

I got onions, tomatoes, eggplant, red peppers, collard greens, peas, edible lavender, golden oregano, cilantro, and peppermint.

Before I went in to get plants I stopped by mcd's and grabbed a mcchicken then later in line to get them planted they were selling $1.50 root beer floats for relay for life so I bought one. just before work (just over 3 hours later) I had a Wendy's baked potato and a side salad with pomegranate vinaigrette dressing, no croutons. For lunch at work I had a Michelina's ziti marinara and a pictsweet edamame that I won't be having again. I wound up picking all the soy beans out of the shells because the shells were gross and it was to salty for me. After work I was lazy and went through the taco bell drive through and got a chicken quesadilla meal with a diet coke and a cheese roll up for Alex.

Dinner

So after work I remembered I had a free choose your own grand slam at Denny's so I went there. I was kinda hungry. Anyway.. So I got a diet coke and Alex had milk which I had a bit of.
I got a grand slam with 2 wheat pancakes, 2 eggs, hash brown, and 2 pieces of bacon. Alex got toast, bacon, and yogurt. And we shared loaded cheese fries. I have no idea how many calories this was and I honestly think I'll get upset if I think to much about it so i'm just not going to think about it at all. And that about sums things up.

Feeling sharing time...

Today just before my lunch there was a lady who comes every once in a while who is very obviously anorexic. She gets gas (obviously, I work at a gas station) and pays at the pump so I've always kind of watched from afar. Today I was outside and she looked at me and smiled at me and I smiled back and said hello and she said hello back. But I bring this up because Every time I see her I have this insatiable urge to ask her questions about herself, about her life. Why is she like this? How did she get to that point?

Anyway, today I was anxious about buying my lunch because I knew I could easily eat far too much. And they have a bake sale in the break room going on today. And while eating I just didn't even want to. I am upset. Upset makes me not wasn't to eat. Upset makes me feel physically ill. But I ate it all. And now I just feel awful. I don't even want this... Bleh..

And today's mid-point

Before work I had Starbucks coffee, same as yesterday.

Lunch break at work....

Carbmaster white chocolate raspberry yogurt. 60 calories, 10 fat calories, 1.5g fat, 3g sugar, 8g protein

Pacific Rose Apple weight 0.4 lb

Michelina's 5 cheese lasagne 280 calories, 45 fat calories, 5g fat, 6g sugar, 13g protein.

Bottle of water 500 mL (same bottle as yesterday, just refilled)

Feelings sharing time

I don't know about this feeling sharing thing. I said in the first post I would talk about how I was feeling before during and after eating but I didn't do that. Mostly because I didn't really feel much of anything. I don't know, feelings are like "happy" "sad" "angry" "anxious" "depressed" etc... People talk about how eating puts them in a good mood and they get really cranky when they are hungry but i've found that i'm the opposite most of the time. When i'm hungry, which is not often because I don't recognize being hungry for what it is, I don't mind really. It doesn't bother me and sometimes i'm proud of myself for not eating or for really restricting or for not grabbing that chocolate bar or for not stopping at the deli and getting pasta. And after I eat all I think about is "how much was that? How many calories did I just eat? How much does that leave me with for the rest of the day?" And if it wasn't a lot i'm ok but if I get to close to my daily minimum too early I start to feel super depressed and angry and annoyed with myself and if I eat to much in one sitting, same.... It's really hard to live with this running monologue in your head calling you a stupid selfish pig for eating 700 calories in one sitting, let alone on a binge day when I can easily consume in excess of 10,000 (usually more like 3-5000)....i fucking hate food

Dinner + day total

A bowl of salad with Newman's own balsamic vinaigrette, 2tbsp, 90 calories, 80 fat calories, 9g fat, 1g sugar.

Dannon light and fit nonfat yogurt raspberry goji, 80 calories, 0 fat calories, 0g fat, 11g sugar, 5g protein

Biddig turkey 2 oz. 90 calories, 45 fat calories, 1g sugar, 10g protein

And 8 domino's parmesan bites. According to the internet that is 150 calories for 4 pieces so 300 calories.

So that makes a total of approximately ...
88 for 2 mini reese's
42 for the special dark
160 estimated for popcorn
75 for coffee
260 lunch pasta
80 lunch veggies
120 salad + dressing (approx)
80 yogurt
90 meat
300 bites

1295 total, if I didn't forget anything...

Today so far

While at home today I are a couple handfuls of old stale movie popcorn, 2 mini reese's peanut butter cups, a Hershey's mini special dark, and a tiny bite off a mini mr. goodbar.

Just before work I has a tall coffee from Starbucks with like 10 packets of splenda and like 1" of half & half.

For my lunch beak i'm having...
Michelina's chicken Alfredo florentine, 260 cal, 60 calories from fat, 7g fat, 3.5g saturated fat, 3g sugar, 12g protein...
Pictsweet tuscan vegetable medly, 2 servings (i ate both) 40 calories, 10 fat calories, 1g fat, 3g sugar, 1g protein
And a 500mL bottle of water

The New Blog

What is this blog all about?

I was asked by someone close to me to log everything I eat. I read up on it and it also says you should log your feelings. Welcome to my log... Expect daily/multi-daily posts.