Still posting...

I know that I was told not to do it anymore. I'm still here.

Coffee, 2 pieces of life cereal, 1 cracker.

Salad, half turkey wrap, .09 lb turkey breast, lite balsamic vinaigrette, and crackers.

Why

Why should I bother eating at all anymore? I'm fat. I could survive off my fat for a while probably. I don't want to be fat. I don't like bring fat. But you said you give up on me. Now i'm a lost cause. Now you don't care what I do. so why should I bother? I'm so upset right now. I want to cry. I cried most of the night already. I think i'm all cried out. I'm stressed out. I'm not happy. I'm a lost cause because you gave up and don't care. So ok, you told me to stop logging my food here. You told me you don't care, you give up, I can do whatever I want now.

Do you even realize what you have done with those 2 little sentences...?

I genuinely don't understand

How is it that normal people control their portions and their intake and eat a normal amount of food that is somehow equaling 2000 calories and isn't, too much? This is infinitely confusing to me.

Dinner

Oatmeal with peanut butter and cinnamon, 5 mini cookies.

Tired of this

I'm tired if posting what i'm eating. I'm tired of "feeling sharing" and feeling like what i'm eating is inadequate. I'm tired of it.

But again...
Coffee, arby's $1 jr roast beef & about half the meat from a second one of those and about 4 curly fries.

Michelina's 5 cheese lasagne, yogurt, water.

Didn't want to eat lunch. Didn't eat last night. Don't even care anymore. Don't see the fucking point in recording my food down here. There is no fucking point. Anyone else see a point? Feel free to let me know cause i'm not fucking seeing any fucking point in posting this shit. Who the hell cares what I eat or don't eat? It doesn't even fucking matter. It's just bullshit. No fucking point.

Today

I had coffee, bagel

Lunch was a chicken sandwich and a baked potato from Wendy's.

I haven't eaten since I got home. I probably won't. I don't want to.

I admit...

I've been avoiding this blog.

Today I've had most of a banana, 1/4 a package of nature valley honey and oat granola bars, 2 mini cookies, a tall Starbucks coffee, a sausage and cheddar cheese package, a turkey sandwich, a yogurt, and a little thing of applesauce. Probably totaling around 800 calories.

Empty...

Empty stomach. Empty heart. I got very upset tonight after a conversation and did not want to eat. I feel physically ill. Very upset. I do not like arguing. I do not like feeling bad. I do not like upsetting other people. Other people should be always happy. I have no right to take away someone else's happiness. I feel very bad. So my tummy aches and I just want to punch it and tell it to shut up because if I eat I know it's all twisted up with upset it won't likely stay down. I'm fat anyway. It'll be ok. I can stand to let it chomp on some of my disgusting fat for the night...

I don't know why I do things. I don't know why everything ends up a mess. I don't know why I forget things. I don't know why i'm such a fuckup. I don't know why I don't just curl up and disappear most days.

Been away...

I don't remember what I ate Monday.

Yesterday I had a yogurt with granola , a sandwich and soup, and pizza and garlic bread for dinner totaling about 250 breakfast, 570 lunch, 830 dinner, 1650 approximate total.

Today I have had a Starbucks venti iced coffee, Chonga bagel with reduced fat cream cheese, Michelina's 5 cheese lasagna, pictsweet tuscan medley, lemon filled donut with coconut on top, and bottle water. So far that is my day.

I didn't post yesterday but

Here is my post right now. yesterday I was very busy with an event called a fuchsia saturday. this is something that they have at fred meyer where you go in and you buy pots or you bring pots from home and you buy plants and then you get in a big long line and they plant your plants for you in black gold potting soil. I wasn't working this event but I went in early to get some vegetables planted.

I got onions, tomatoes, eggplant, red peppers, collard greens, peas, edible lavender, golden oregano, cilantro, and peppermint.

Before I went in to get plants I stopped by mcd's and grabbed a mcchicken then later in line to get them planted they were selling $1.50 root beer floats for relay for life so I bought one. just before work (just over 3 hours later) I had a Wendy's baked potato and a side salad with pomegranate vinaigrette dressing, no croutons. For lunch at work I had a Michelina's ziti marinara and a pictsweet edamame that I won't be having again. I wound up picking all the soy beans out of the shells because the shells were gross and it was to salty for me. After work I was lazy and went through the taco bell drive through and got a chicken quesadilla meal with a diet coke and a cheese roll up for Alex.

Dinner

So after work I remembered I had a free choose your own grand slam at Denny's so I went there. I was kinda hungry. Anyway.. So I got a diet coke and Alex had milk which I had a bit of.
I got a grand slam with 2 wheat pancakes, 2 eggs, hash brown, and 2 pieces of bacon. Alex got toast, bacon, and yogurt. And we shared loaded cheese fries. I have no idea how many calories this was and I honestly think I'll get upset if I think to much about it so i'm just not going to think about it at all. And that about sums things up.

Feeling sharing time...

Today just before my lunch there was a lady who comes every once in a while who is very obviously anorexic. She gets gas (obviously, I work at a gas station) and pays at the pump so I've always kind of watched from afar. Today I was outside and she looked at me and smiled at me and I smiled back and said hello and she said hello back. But I bring this up because Every time I see her I have this insatiable urge to ask her questions about herself, about her life. Why is she like this? How did she get to that point?

Anyway, today I was anxious about buying my lunch because I knew I could easily eat far too much. And they have a bake sale in the break room going on today. And while eating I just didn't even want to. I am upset. Upset makes me not wasn't to eat. Upset makes me feel physically ill. But I ate it all. And now I just feel awful. I don't even want this... Bleh..

And today's mid-point

Before work I had Starbucks coffee, same as yesterday.

Lunch break at work....

Carbmaster white chocolate raspberry yogurt. 60 calories, 10 fat calories, 1.5g fat, 3g sugar, 8g protein

Pacific Rose Apple weight 0.4 lb

Michelina's 5 cheese lasagne 280 calories, 45 fat calories, 5g fat, 6g sugar, 13g protein.

Bottle of water 500 mL (same bottle as yesterday, just refilled)

Feelings sharing time

I don't know about this feeling sharing thing. I said in the first post I would talk about how I was feeling before during and after eating but I didn't do that. Mostly because I didn't really feel much of anything. I don't know, feelings are like "happy" "sad" "angry" "anxious" "depressed" etc... People talk about how eating puts them in a good mood and they get really cranky when they are hungry but i've found that i'm the opposite most of the time. When i'm hungry, which is not often because I don't recognize being hungry for what it is, I don't mind really. It doesn't bother me and sometimes i'm proud of myself for not eating or for really restricting or for not grabbing that chocolate bar or for not stopping at the deli and getting pasta. And after I eat all I think about is "how much was that? How many calories did I just eat? How much does that leave me with for the rest of the day?" And if it wasn't a lot i'm ok but if I get to close to my daily minimum too early I start to feel super depressed and angry and annoyed with myself and if I eat to much in one sitting, same.... It's really hard to live with this running monologue in your head calling you a stupid selfish pig for eating 700 calories in one sitting, let alone on a binge day when I can easily consume in excess of 10,000 (usually more like 3-5000)....i fucking hate food

Dinner + day total

A bowl of salad with Newman's own balsamic vinaigrette, 2tbsp, 90 calories, 80 fat calories, 9g fat, 1g sugar.

Dannon light and fit nonfat yogurt raspberry goji, 80 calories, 0 fat calories, 0g fat, 11g sugar, 5g protein

Biddig turkey 2 oz. 90 calories, 45 fat calories, 1g sugar, 10g protein

And 8 domino's parmesan bites. According to the internet that is 150 calories for 4 pieces so 300 calories.

So that makes a total of approximately ...
88 for 2 mini reese's
42 for the special dark
160 estimated for popcorn
75 for coffee
260 lunch pasta
80 lunch veggies
120 salad + dressing (approx)
80 yogurt
90 meat
300 bites

1295 total, if I didn't forget anything...

Today so far

While at home today I are a couple handfuls of old stale movie popcorn, 2 mini reese's peanut butter cups, a Hershey's mini special dark, and a tiny bite off a mini mr. goodbar.

Just before work I has a tall coffee from Starbucks with like 10 packets of splenda and like 1" of half & half.

For my lunch beak i'm having...
Michelina's chicken Alfredo florentine, 260 cal, 60 calories from fat, 7g fat, 3.5g saturated fat, 3g sugar, 12g protein...
Pictsweet tuscan vegetable medly, 2 servings (i ate both) 40 calories, 10 fat calories, 1g fat, 3g sugar, 1g protein
And a 500mL bottle of water

The New Blog

What is this blog all about?

I was asked by someone close to me to log everything I eat. I read up on it and it also says you should log your feelings. Welcome to my log... Expect daily/multi-daily posts.