Annoyance

It's really annoying when things aren't even up for discussion. It suddenly becomes "this is how it is and nothing you say changes that" and that rightly so pisses me off. It isn't even that I want a different outcome necessarily but the sheer fact that my thoughts and opinions are immediately rejected without even being heard? That's what pisses me off. I have thoughts. I have opinions. I have intelligent well researched foundations. But apparently that means nothing because you've already closed your ears up to anything I have to say.

Hrm...

I think someone jinxed me... >.>

Cryptic Confusion

There are several reasons. There are several factors. I need to make a decision. Wait? Ignore? Don't wait? Don't know... Just venting... Sorry so cryptic. Can't be less so...

Don't know why I bother

I've made breakfast the last 2 days. Yesterday I made egg, turkey, and tomato burritos, yogurt, and sliced apple. My son stole my yogurt and my boyfriend ate all but 1 half of a slice of apple and said he was full. Today I made blueberry pancakes, eggs, gave my son and boyfriend grapes, and again, yogurt. My son ate the yogurt and 1 grape. My boyfriend ate the eggs and the grapes and said the pancakes "aren't very nice" and didn't touch the yogurt.

So yesterday went well for breakfast. Today not so much.

I came home on my lunch break yesterday and made tuna sandwiches and I don't know if he even ate all of the one I gave him but I do know shortly thereafter he went out and bought burger king food.

I don't know why I bothered making breakfast after lunch yesterday and I don't know what the point is. I'm just frustrated. Screw it. No more coming home for lunch break. No more making breakfast. No more.

Fuck food...

What to do

It's so hard to figure out what to do. I don't know anymore. It's decision after decision of crap on top of more crap. I don't feel more our less energy when I do or don't eat. I don't feel better or worse when I drink water or don't. I don't feel better or worse when I take a vitamin or don't. I feel bad for eating in general. I don't like to eat. If I can avoid eating I do.

So why are decisions about food not plain and clear and outlined? This is ok. This is not ok. This is ok occasionally. This is never ever ever even to be looked at. Clear guide. Doesn't exist.

I always feel kind of proud of myself when I walk past things in the store and don't even look at them. Like the ice cream aisle. The bakery. The candy aisle. I feel good not looking at them knowing I have the power to walk past and not give them the time of day they would just love to get. It's a bit odd the way I shop. Son's food. My food. Almost always separate. I don't want to deprive him of calories just because i'm depriving myself of them. It's a bit crazy sounding though...

Anyway, back to work. I didn't eat on my lunch break. Yay me!

Brilliant boyfriend logic

"I don't want it to happen"

Great. That didn't answer my question of which option he would prefer, me talking about it or me not talking about it. Apparently he thinks that is my decision but he just wants me to not not eat. Nice double negative there, I know.

He seems to think that I can just eat normally. I can't. That's why after he fell asleep I ate 3 pieces of pizza. He wasn't watching. I was hungry. I scarfed down nearly half a pizza in 20 minutes. Then wanted to puke it back up. Felt like I just wasted 32 hours of not eating because I literally ate 1500 calories right there like a fucking pig.

Oh, so what did I turn around and do today? Ate a cheese Danish and a brownie. Fabulous. Fuck this.

I'm not talking to him about food at all anymore. What I do or don't eat is my business. That is my official statement. I cant handle all the stress of "do I say something? Do I not? Is it wrong not to?" So if he doesn't ask he doesn't hear. It isn't lying. It's just not talking about it. That's what I see.

According to an app I downloaded my job alone makes me "moderately active" and my rmr (not bmr) is 1507 (ugh) so without even getting out of bed I burned off that pizza I guess? So i'm ok? I don't know... I'm sick of being fat. That's all I know.

No willpower

5 slices of medium pizza... Nearly... I feed part of it to boyfriend. I had a slice except part of the crust. Then pulled out 2. Ate most of 1 and destroyed the other breaking it up into tiny bits. Then I was ok. But I felt hungry. I told myself normal people don't eat more than 2 slices. Then I told myself normal people don't stave themselves all day either. But i'm not normal. And I started watching a movie and next thing I knew i'm eating more pizza. 3 slices and the urge to purge but inability to put into action in place and here I am, a fat fucking cow.

Funny, I looked in the mirror naked and I can see the defined hourglass waist clearly but at the same time all I see around it is fat. I hate my mirrors. I wonder if my boyfriend's figured out where the scale is yet or if he even cares. I don't think he let's the truth of what I do sink in unless I tell him so he's probably blissfully ignorant.

Food... Or lack there of...

I have had 2 cups of coffee in the last 30 hours and my boyfriend ordered pizza. Only half blessing half curse, one I'm allergic to (he forgot) and the other I dislike one of the two toppings. So he probably won't throw a fit if I pick at like 1 piece and barely eat it.

He asked me what I like pin pizza and I said veggies so he got a chicken and mushroom (I'm allergic to all forms of mold and fungus) and a pepperoni and ham (I dislike pork in general but on occasion make an exception for pepperoni but very rarely if every do I ingest ham) so that makes for an awesome combination of pizzas...

The secret world of Jenni and ana

This is the title of my book for campnanorwimo

I'm wondering if i'm taking on to much of a time span because i'm tracking her from 6th to 10th grade. That's nearly 5 full school years but she doesn't write every day or anything and it is supposed to track her descent into the eating disorder. I'm also having issues with trying to make her sound like an intelligent and ambitious  6th grader but not too old because her language skills have to increase over the years.

Basically in the beginning they start 6th grade, Jenni and her best friend Sarah start cutting out sweets and start jogging and stuff. Sarah loses weight faster than Jenni and she gets frustrated, then Jenni's crush asks Sarah to the end of the year dance and Jenni refuses to talk to her and be her friend. Jenni gains a bit over the summer and then goes a bit wonky in 7th grade.

First she tries losing it the same way she did before which works but not fast enough so she asks on a forum and meets a girl named Toni who goes by skeletoni. Toni tells her to become a vegan so she does. She didn't meet her until spring. Then Sarah approaches her and tries to be friends and while Jenni long ago realized that it was petty to end their friendship over a guy (who Sarah is still dating) she wonders if they haven't grown too far apart. Jenni decides in June to try and repair her lost friendship with Sarah and come 8th grade they are best friends again.

Jenni virtually forgets about Toni, then the holidays come and she contacts Toni who tells her she's gaining because of carbs. Sarah breaks up with Bryan and sets her sights on Jenni's new crush at second semester, Peter. Sarah never dates Peter but Jenni notices he barely gives her a second glance but pays close attention to Sarah. And Jenni notices that Sarah has lost some more weight and she has not lost much.

She complains to Toni who doesn't reply for months then tells her sorry, she was in treatment till insurance ran out. She tells Jenni she's ready and introduces her to the world of pro-ana which Jenni initially rejects but after a bit gets sucked into it. She spends the summer in Italy at her grandparents and manages not to gain anything then starts 9th grade.

A girl on the pro-ana site calls her "wannarexic" and she gets upset and starts skipping meals and drops weight. A boy asks her to hang out and she starts dating him. Her parents don't notice or check up on her because they are busy with work and her siblings and etc. and she passes out on the last day of school after a week long juice fast.

She is admitted to a treatment program and gains some weight but mostly tricks them into letting her graduate to outpatient on her 15th birthday. She follows the rules at home til 10th grade starts then the story ends with her missing the bus deliberately, running to school, purging breakfast at a gas station, throwing her lunch away at the gas station too, and saying how she feels best empty and perfect and weightless and running.

so is that too much for 1 book?

Also, please don't steal my story just cause I posted it here. I really want to be a published author and I'm going to try to publish this.

He doesn't get it

My boyfriend doesn't understand in the slightest how easy it is to upset me with a word, a look, a sentence. And he belittles how I feel. Like i'm not allowed to be upset over something that he thinks is nothing. Just because it's nothing to him doesn't mean it affects me the same. Just because it's nothing to him, in his mind means it's nothing to me as well. That isn't true at all.

If anything him belittling how I feel and what I think makes me feel worse about the entire thing altogether but again, try explaining that and all it becomes is "we're not talking, we're arguing" and "you must like arguing" and ultimately "piss off" all from him. Try combating that...

He says I never have anything interesting to say. Well he never has anything with any depth to say. It's always conversations about "i'm parroting Richard Dawkins" or "oh, check out this funny picture" or "hey look, a new electronic device that costs as much as your rent" or something. He says something that upsets me and I just try to ignore it or I do what I have to do to deal with it so I don't have to being it up and he just thinks i'm "cross with him" and makes me say it anyway which then he says "well that's a stupid reason" or something equally crap which is precisely what happened 2 days ago.

Well i'm pretty sure it's going to happen again today because he was kind of a jerk at half time. We went to see a show, a musical play of footloose. With my 2.5 year old. And at half time he asked for ear plugs because maybe with them he could ignore my son. And then for the amount of time that my son lasted through the second half my boyfriend was giving me dirty looks and about the time I was going to leave anyway he told me to. But apparently he felt the need to tell me which just made things a million times more awesome. So that lovely combination of events and now i'm pretty sure my boyfriend is going to be upset because Alex embarrassed him in front of a bunch of strangers gee's probably never going to see again and even if he does they won't remember him and he won't remember them but that's precisely the reason he was so upset after going to see Harry Potter last summer.

So what does any of this have to do with food? Well for one thing, being upset makes me not want to eat at all. For two, being upset with my boyfriend makes me not give a shit what he thinks about what I do. Or in this case, don't do. Or might do.

Cryptic? I'll explain. Upset? Don't care what boyfriend thinks? Might purge what I've eaten today. Which consists of some popcorn and half a candy bar and some starburst and some diet 7up. Upset? Don't care what my boyfriend thinks? Might just starve myself the rest of the day for several reasons. Upset with boyfriend. Upset with son. Upset with myself. Simple. Maybe. Not really though, so no. But maybe.

Edit-apparently he isn't mad because I left when he said to leave.

...

It's really easy to get caught up in things like "wow, this is really awesome" till the shit hits the fan and you actually figure out how crap things can really be. It sucks being sucked down in the world of eating issues to the extent that you just want everyone to go away and leave you alone so you can do what you want without the looks and the bullshit and arguing and feeling bad. I always feel bad lately and I just hate it. I hate that I feel bad all the time. I hate that I feel obligated to do things for the sole reason that someone else wants me to do it so I really ought to do it. It fucking sucks.

Life would be so much better if I were just skinny and beautiful and lovely and happy and not so gross and ugly and fat and unhappy. But nobody will let me just be that without a fight and I hate fighting. But i'm stronger than that and I can beat the system. I just have to lock into the rules and solidify it to make it work. Easy enough. Rules and plans and I will be lovely.

So now I just need to put my head back together and come up with the outline of how things are going to be from here on. Apparently in order to keep your metabolism up you are supposed to eat every 3-4 hours but if you do that you would have to eat quite small amounts to keep a certain calorie intake. If you sleep 8 hours you are awake about 16 and you're supposed to eat within an hour of waking up so that is 5-6 a day. As long as you can keep those under 333 calories you're good if you have a 2000 calorie diet. If you have a 1200 it's 200 per.

But if you want to lose weight you have to do something about it or just not do anything and be a disgusting fat ass. Well if I want to keep my boyfriend satisfied I just have to keep my thoughts to myself and eat decent seeming in front of him and stop turning away things he offers. I don't care what they think at work anymore. Fuck them. I'll avoid the break room. I'll go to my car at lunch. I don't have to eat on my lunch breaks or my work breaks.

So my new current rules
-I will not eat at work ever
-I will only drink coffee with sugar free sweeteners and no milk
-No candy
-I will move as much as possible
-All food I eat is in front of my boyfriend
-All food I eat is made by me
-Whenever possible I will dish my own food up so I know how much is on my plate

There are more but for later on maybe.

Ugh for food....

Boyfriend made me try a "jaffa cake" this morning. Ate like half of one of those. Had tall iced coffee, bag of salad with balsamic vinaigrette and a hot dog.

So far today that makes for 225 (ish) before dinner :-)

But what is dinner's torture to be? And i'm off work the next 2 days.

Food for today

2/3-3/4 of a Venti mocha cookie crumble frap. Diet coke. 2 biscuits, gravy, hash browns, an egg, some veggies, and 2? Chicken nuggets. Boyfriend has arrived. Let the fun begin?

Camp nanowrimo and my "babies"

I'm writing 2 stories for camp nanowrimo this year. June is about my "baby" Jenni who develops anorexia and is basically going to be her pre-disorder into full blown disorder diary. And my August "baby" is David, a swimmer who passes out in cold water.

My characters are my "babies" :-)

Sometimes

well, see, sometimes I..  well... just want to die....

Things that shouldn't be normal become normal like no sleep, headaches, dizzy spells, worrying that when you stand up you might pass out, constantly worrying on the little shit and constantly feeling like shit. And on the topic of shit, needing to take a shit and it just won't happen but feeling like getting a laxative or anything is completely out if the question because that's like a purge. And I promised no purge.

Weight is a happy thought tonight

198.8 <3

I'm still an obese fat fracking cow but I'm going down again. Good good good. As long as I can keep it going the right way. :-)

Why...

Why oh why I avoid the food posts? Oh, cause I eat shit? Maybe maybe delicately balanced disaster? Ah.. Down the sweet road of 60 calorie yogurts, 300 or less frozen dinners, 88¢ for 60 cal salad bag. 20 for dressing. Water water coffee tea diet coke water 5, 10, 120, careful careful play the numbers. Walked 4 miles last night just to do it. Ate m&m's tho. I had 2 cups coffee sugar free sweetener, no milk. Spaghetti for 280 yogurt for 60, m&m's max 360 but shared with my son so about 700 calories. Can't sleep tho. I don't know. I need to sleep at least a little. I'm such a fucking wreck if I don't at least nap a bit. haven't been sleeping. Haven't really been eating. Except Denny's. If I go there. Pretty fucked in my brain right now but I think I just get like this when i'm not really eating. I don't want to eat. I thought about fasting today but then that other girl was in the lunch room. 2 of them now. She gives nee weird looks when I measure my salad dressing. She comments about frozen meals and to much sodium. Gee, if it contains 25% if the daily value i'm slowed and it's all i'm fucking eating it's probably ok. in fact it's probably good. But now there are 2 of then I have to watch out for trigger happy. Really need to try to sleep tho. It's the caffeine really. I think. Maybe.