Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I hate...
I hate fucking hypocritical holier than thou know it all pretentious attitudes. I hate when people are like fucking "do as I say, not as I do" like you're such following rules that they are somehow fucking exempt to. I hate how i'm up still at 7am when I work later today because i'm upset. I meant to go to sleep 2 hours ago...
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The fact is...
I lack the discipline required to actually get things done right. I'll talk about it and I'll plan to do things but I'll probably never really do anything that will amount to something.
I'm a failure, consistently and constantly and it's just how things are now. I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not enough. Never enough for me or anyone else and it sucks. But things are what they are and I guess that's not really the point.
I mean, what are you supposed to do if you don't like something? Deal with it or change it. So I have to do that. I have to be better. And I just have to remember....
Good, Better, Best, never let it rest, until the good is better and the better is the best.
If I keep that in my mind I feel like I can do anything. Clean up the living room. Push myself to finish jogging that second mile. Reign in the desire to buy that candy. All iI have to do is tell myself I don't get to rest until it is the best. Which works for about half of me.
Sometimes I really wonder if people are all like this or if there really is something to this whole astrology thing. I feel like i'm constantly fighting with myself. Like i'm at war with my own self. Like there are 2 distinct personalities and opinions inside me that are constantly butting heads and at war with each other. I've always just chalked it up to that my star sign is Gemini, the twins. But a rational part of me thinks that's completely absurd.
Oh well. I'm avoiding again. I don't care.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Picture :-)
I seriously edited it. I made my nose smaller and my lips a little fuller and my cheeks less chubby and it's an old picture anyway, 07 I think? then I made it look old. But I look kinda pretty I guess.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Just because you don't understand
Doesn't mean you have to treat something like it's wrong or bad or stupid. It isn't. It just is what it is.
Accept it.
Deal with it.
Move on.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Avoidance
Again I'm avoiding this. I had teriyaki yesterday.
And last night I had half a serving of pasta with some ground from the thing peanut butter, not jar, and pesto, and some frozen veggies.
Today.... I've had a few handfuls of life cereal and a piece of bread and a packet 2oz lunchmeat and some juice.
Tuesday I had... 2 hot dogs, popcorn and coke zero, ice cream, and an omelette with a bunch of different meats and hash browns.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Food
Denny's last night, no, not all you can eat grands slam, but had blueberry pancakes and eggs, bacon, hash browns, shared an apple desert with my son.
Today had a Jr roast beef sandwich from arby's, iced coffee.
Salad and yogurt.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Water is great...
Unless you drink 2 liters during your work shift and have no way to go to the bathroom except to call inside and advertise to your manager/break cover person that you need someone out ASAP!!!
Sigh... But supposedly it's good for me? What is the benefit when my increased output.... I'm peeing out more equal to all my increased input.
Food, food, and.... Food
Iced coffee, sugar free cinnamon dolce, small bit of half and half.
1 liter water
Michelina's beef and peppers, said with balsamic vinaigrette, peach yogurt.
I hate watching food network on lunch. I make comments to my coworkers that what they are making looks like a heart attack waiting to happen and i really can't agree when they say "yea, a yummy heart attack"
Food
Last night (Wednesday) I had my leftovers from the other day.
Today (Thursday) I had coffee, bagel, part of a brownie, spaghetti, garlic bread, diet Cola, baked sweet potato, half a small cheeseburger.. I might be forgetting something...
And a NEW "VLOG" (since I know you all loved the last long boring video rants I did, promise, no "skin" this time)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
7 sick and twisted reasons I love work
1. If I don't eat before work I can't eat till my first break.
2. If I go to the bathroom upstairs in the locker room on all my 10 minute breaks I have to walk up and down the stairs and I don't have time for anything else.
3. I have to walk up stairs and downstairs again every day I work at least twice. Usually 5x though.
4. I walk around a lot at work. It's expected of me to.
5. If I have an hour lunch and i've forgotten my lunch I can spend the first half hour looking at nutrition labels and still have 30 minutes to eat.
6. I only work around junk food. It isn't as appealing to me as other food.
7. If I don't go outside, I can berate myself after lunch if I ate too much without anyone hearing me.
Today
Michelina's cheese manicotti, cherry yogurt, bag of salad.
Forgot my leftovers from yesterday :-(
Is it really so wrong?
I don't want to be emaciated. I don't care about seeing my bones. With one exception. I would like to be able to see my collar bone. I don't wasn't to be able to see my ribs, spine, hip bones, etc. I don't want to be underweight. I have a healthy bmi as my goal. So it isn't wrong.
I honestly feel
Physically sick right now. I ate at a place called Athens pizza and pasta house and the food was delicious but there was super much of it and I couldn't handle it so about half of it came home with me. Then tonight I caved and went to Denny's for another all you can eat grand slam. Great brilliant me ate 3 plates minus some bacon and then a pancake puppy sundae shared. And oh dear does my stomach feel like it's going to explode. And it isn't that I felt bad eating it. But now that I'm thinking about the implications of precisely how much I ate today I'm starting to feel absolutely awful about the way today went. Part of me wants to ease my stomach the easy way. Most of me knows I shouldn't do that. I think for tonight most if me will win but come tomorrow it might be about time for some rules to come into play. Mainly NO MORE ALL YOU CAN EAT GRAND SLAM!!! I don't care if it IS only $4.99....
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
"Vlog" videos...
So I uploaded the videos to YouTube. They are unlisted so only people who have the links can see them. I can warn you, they aren't pretty. They aren't positive. They aren't lovely. And in 2 of the 3 I'm not very covered up.
I'm not sure why I recorded them I'm the first place. Probably more for me than anything else. But I'm posting them. I've been through cycles of probably every aspect of disordered eating you could shove into the last 15 or so years. I didn't have the ideal childhood by any means and I think I just hate who I am and that even if I lose weight I'll still dislike myself. But I still want to lose weight. I don't want to become stick thin boney emaciated but I do have a goal.
My goal is to be a healthy 19.5-22 bmi with a weight between 118.5-105 lbs. Under 18.5 bmi is underweight and this is a full point above that. Also it's a range of over 10 lbs which allows for natural weight fluctuation without having to get upset over it. I think it's reasonable.
In the first video I am in my underwear for part of the video and it's not pretty. And you can kind of see that it's um... Cold in my bathroom that day.... O.o
So this video was recorded on may 1st after I got home from work. I've never recorded a video like this so they are all kind of long.
May 1st
This video was recorded on may 3rd and you get a nice naked belly shot again. Gross..
May 3rd
And this video I recorded last night. No serious pointing out gross fat in this one. You do get to see my undies again and I prove at the end that I have no idea what the date is... Lol
May 7/8th
And please don't take those links and post them all over. They are unlisted for a reason....
Today I've had...
At this point all I've had is 3 or so "bunny corn" (Easter candy corn) and some pieces of cereal, then around 6:30 I realized I hadn't eaten in nearly 24 hours and I think around 8 I got a yogurt with granola, and wound up eating half of Alex's yogurt too.
I had a conversation about this blog in which I admited that I feel like i'm obligated to continue writing here even though I hate it because if I stop i'm basically failing. If I stop posting here I have failed to stick it out until it has achieved whatever "helpful" purpose it was supposed to serve. And that reasoning was called "bullshit" which was a nice slap in the face. So my intense feelings of fear surrounding failure are bullshit and just a choice? And also they said they won't be reading what I write here. Whatever implications that has had on how I feel haven't been fully realized.
I do feel a little better and a little worse at the same time today. I had one negative conversation and one positive one. Well, it's not as simply put as that but they kind of counterbalanced each other.
I don't actually feel hungry right now but part of me knows I need to eat something more tonight so I have some choices. If I stay home I will probably end up eating only some pasta with pesto (approx 250) maybe some frozen veggies (70 for a cup) putting me at max 750 for the day. If I go out I could easily get more calories than that but possibly, depending on from where, less healthy calories. But staying home I may or may not eat that. And going out provides more opportunity to binge and leave me with the unrequited urge to purge, or so full that I unintentionally purge the food.
Today, unequivocally I can say that so far my toddler has consumed above and beyond what I have. And that isn't good. I don't really like when it is so startlingly clear who has eaten more. So I don't know what I will do tonight. My son is asking for pasta right now but then he asked for a burger and then he asked for cereal.
I think we're going to go out. Probably.
Edit
W're at subway. WE Shared a foot long black forest ham on honey oat with pepper jack cheese, all the veggies except jalapenosand with mustard, oil, vinegar, and salt and pepper, Cheetos, I had some tea and my son had some milk.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Today so far
I got a McDonalds daily double no mayo add ketchup meal with a diet coke. I only ate about 1/4 if that of the fries, had the sandwich, drank like 2 drinks of the drink. had a Venti Starbucks iced coffee.
Lunch break consisted of a Michelina's chicken and broccoli rigatoni and a carbmaster raspberry yogurt and a bottle of water that I barely drank any of. In fact by the end of my shift I'd still only drank about half the bottle. And it was only 500mL
I don't know yet if I'm going to have dinner or not but judging by my debating it, I probably won't unless something seriously strikes me as "I want it" because I really just don't want anything right now. I don't feel hungry. I think I've eaten a fair chunk of food so far today. I don't really need anything more. So it's if I want something I'll have something maybe. I don't need something though so I probably won't. I'm repeating myself. I'm aware of that.
I've recorded video
Like a vlog. Twice. But I probably won't post it anywhere mostly because I know nobody wants to see that. But i'm not recording them for anyone else I don't think. Well, maybe I'll put them on YouTube on "unlisted" and link them here so I don't get a bunch of randoms commenting that i'm disgusting or something. I am. But I don't need a bunch if randoms telling me that. Maybe I'll do that. I'll think about that today. I'll make a decision by tonight whether or not to do that.
I haven't had anything yet to eat today. I just woke up for the second time this morning though. i'm feeling queasy actually. My throat is very thick feeling which sometimes makes me want to puke but I don't think I'd puke anything up I did. My dinner was 12 hours ago so I think it's probably long gone from my stomach.
::gross topic incoming::
I think I read somewhere a long time ago that it takes 3 days to digest your food but that can't be right. Sometimes I eat something like corn and it's in my poo the next day. You all know when you eat corn it's like you didn't even eat it cause it looks exactly the same in your poo as it did going in. And same with salads. Sometimes I'll eat salad and later on that night there will literally visibly be lettuce in my toilet. So 3 days? Yea right!
::now back to your regular blog::
I tried to get second opinions on my eating. One said it looked ok but they weren't a nutritionist or anything. The other said it looked like too little.
So i'm still sitting at 2 vs 2 which tells me nothing.
Myself and another person say it's ok.
The person who told me to log and another person say it is too little.
2 on each side...
anyway, if anyone has an opinion on the video thing let me know.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
So the point of this blog was..
To log all my food, all my feelings, etc. to somehow prove to me that I don't eat enough. I think I eat plenty. That's why I was told to stop. Because according to the person who originally suggested I do this said that was the reason why and that since it wasn't working to stop. I haven't stopped. I don't think i'm eating too little. In fact I think I eat too much quite frequently.
Like tonight I had jack in the box's chipotle chicken sandwich thing. And i'm pretty sure that was more calories than I needed. And Denny's last night. And... And......
So when you said you give up I know you mean that. But when you say you don't care what I do I know you really do. But I also know it makes me feel like giving up. Like just sinking instead of trying to float. Like not even making any effort whatsoever to do anything you wanted. And I can't figure out which side I want to sit on now.
I hate this blog
I hate this blog. I hate me. I hate how I still post here. I hate this. I hate my relationship with food. I just wasn't to be fucking normal!
I ate at Denny's. 2 plates grand slam shared with my boy.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Today
I had a burrito and rice and beans and chocolate milk and cereal and Tamarind and some kind of non-milk with cinnamon
Today
No breakfast
Salad with balsamic dressing, 1 serving turkey pepperoni slices, lite carb yogurt, 6 smoky chipotle bbq doritos. Approximately 420 calories IF I used 4 Tbsp dressing (2 servings) but I think I used less than 1 serving even.
Dinner
Most of a box (3 servings >.<) of macaroni and cheese, but not sauce mixed with milk and butter but just mixed with some water I didn't drain off.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Lunch
Bag salad, lite balsamic vinaigrette dressing, low carb blackberry yogurt.
Approximately 250 calories
Hrm...
I hate hate hate hate HATE how I look and feel and i'm fat and disgusting and I hate it. Desperate times call for desperate measures?
I don't know.
I have had coffee. Splenda. Half and half. Only a little bit. Half a litter or so of water. I stepped on the scale this morning. 203.0 lbs. Fucking disgusting. Ugh...
Oh, and last night I had some m&m's too.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Visiting
Went to my great aunt's. She made some chilli over potatoes. Had a bowl of that, a slice and a half of bread, and some ice cream.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Lunch break
0.20 lb pepper turkey breast over 2 bowls of salad with lite balsamic vinaigrette and a yogurt.
"Breakfast"
Tall Starbucks drip with Splenda and half and half (non, fat just doesn't do it...) And a couple handfuls of life cereal.