Today I've had...

At this point all I've had is 3 or so "bunny corn" (Easter candy corn) and some pieces of cereal, then around 6:30 I realized I hadn't eaten in nearly 24 hours and I think around 8 I got a yogurt with granola, and wound up eating half of Alex's yogurt too.

I had a conversation about this blog in which I admited that I feel like i'm obligated to continue writing here even though I hate it because if I stop i'm basically failing. If I stop posting here I have failed to stick it out until it has achieved whatever "helpful" purpose it was supposed to serve. And that reasoning was called "bullshit" which was a nice slap in the face. So my intense feelings of fear surrounding failure are bullshit and just a choice? And also they said they won't be reading what I write here. Whatever implications that has had on how I feel haven't been fully realized.

I do feel a little better and a little worse at the same time today. I had one negative conversation and one positive one. Well, it's not as simply put as that but they kind of counterbalanced each other.

I don't actually feel hungry right now but part of me knows I need to eat something more tonight so I have some choices. If I stay home I will probably end up eating only some pasta with pesto (approx 250) maybe some frozen veggies (70 for a cup) putting me at max 750 for the day. If I go out I could easily get more calories than that but possibly, depending on from where, less healthy calories. But staying home I may or may not eat that. And going out provides more opportunity to binge and leave me with the unrequited urge to purge, or so full that I unintentionally purge the food.

Today, unequivocally I can say that so far my toddler has consumed above and beyond what I have. And that isn't good. I don't really like when it is so startlingly clear who has eaten more. So I don't know what I will do tonight. My son is asking for pasta right now but then he asked for a burger and then he asked for cereal.

I think we're going to go out. Probably.

Edit
W're at subway. WE Shared a foot long black forest ham on honey oat with pepper jack cheese, all the veggies except jalapenosand with mustard, oil, vinegar, and salt and pepper, Cheetos, I had some tea and my son had some milk.