It's really easy to get caught up in things like "wow, this is really awesome" till the shit hits the fan and you actually figure out how crap things can really be. It sucks being sucked down in the world of eating issues to the extent that you just want everyone to go away and leave you alone so you can do what you want without the looks and the bullshit and arguing and feeling bad. I always feel bad lately and I just hate it. I hate that I feel bad all the time. I hate that I feel obligated to do things for the sole reason that someone else wants me to do it so I really ought to do it. It fucking sucks.
Life would be so much better if I were just skinny and beautiful and lovely and happy and not so gross and ugly and fat and unhappy. But nobody will let me just be that without a fight and I hate fighting. But i'm stronger than that and I can beat the system. I just have to lock into the rules and solidify it to make it work. Easy enough. Rules and plans and I will be lovely.
So now I just need to put my head back together and come up with the outline of how things are going to be from here on. Apparently in order to keep your metabolism up you are supposed to eat every 3-4 hours but if you do that you would have to eat quite small amounts to keep a certain calorie intake. If you sleep 8 hours you are awake about 16 and you're supposed to eat within an hour of waking up so that is 5-6 a day. As long as you can keep those under 333 calories you're good if you have a 2000 calorie diet. If you have a 1200 it's 200 per.
But if you want to lose weight you have to do something about it or just not do anything and be a disgusting fat ass. Well if I want to keep my boyfriend satisfied I just have to keep my thoughts to myself and eat decent seeming in front of him and stop turning away things he offers. I don't care what they think at work anymore. Fuck them. I'll avoid the break room. I'll go to my car at lunch. I don't have to eat on my lunch breaks or my work breaks.
So my new current rules
-I will not eat at work ever
-I will only drink coffee with sugar free sweeteners and no milk
-No candy
-I will move as much as possible
-All food I eat is in front of my boyfriend
-All food I eat is made by me
-Whenever possible I will dish my own food up so I know how much is on my plate
There are more but for later on maybe.
I'm so glad I don't have that problem... I never have =/ my parents were never on me about food, my partner gets on me at times, but not lately, bc she is trying to lose weight too. I'd probably be really shit at hiding and being deceptive about not eating though, since I've never had to learn. But, it has taught me that I *will* do what I want. I will not eat unless I want to and quite frankly I don't want to. I've been trying to eat small amounts frequently to get my metabolism up too, I hate it. I wish I could just stop eating and lose weight like I used to. But, when I stop eating completely, is when I get nagged, but I've learnt from past mistakes not to give into that, because then the naggers go on to lose a shit load of weight and leave me behind all fat and gross. Often times it's skinny people who nag you to eat, funny that, eh?
ReplyDeleteAnd by I wish I could, I mean.. apparently I'm too old to lose weight at the rate I used to, or something =/
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